| HOW TO DEAL
WITH ANTIGAY CONSERVATIVES
Despite all the progress we've made, gay people and our supporters are still often put in the position of having to justify ourselves. Antigay conservatives have successfully pushed the debate over sexual orientation onto our territory. We need to take it to theirs.
This top 10 list offers advice for gaining the advantage in discussions about gay issues and putting antigay conservatives where they belong—on the
defensive.
1. Remember: they're not evil.
Let's not mince words. Antigay conservatives are generally ignorant about the facts of sexual orientation, and some are just plain bigots. But if you simply tell them this, they won't understand, and it's important to remember that no one intends to be an ignorant bigot.
Instead, remember that the majority are motivated by genuine concern for society and the people they know. This concern is disastrously misdirected, but we can work with it. The trick is to ask them why their concern has not led them to support fairness and equality.
2. Be polite and patient.
They don't know what they're talking about, and we can show it. We can afford to stay calm.
3. Find your similarities.
antigay conservatives assume all sorts of things which aren't true. They may assume that gay people are all atheists, hate our families, or care only about sex.
If any of their assumptions about you or the gay people you know are not true, let them know. They may be genuinely shocked, and thrown a little off balance. Find what you have in common and use it to shake up their negative assumptions.
4. Don't let them pretend to know things they don't.
antigay conservatives tend to assume that gay people are confused and miserable. They tend to assume that we have no idea what a good relationship is, and that deep down we are ashamed to be gay.
They might as well tell us that the insides of our homes are ugly based on the neighborhoods we live in. Remind these people politely but firmly that they literally don't know what they are talking about. If they insist, make them lay it on the line and tell you what they "know" about gay people. Enjoy the results.
5. Make them justify their beliefs.
antigay conservatives (like extremists of all persuasions) are almost totally unable to explain why they believe what they believe—they can only give you lists of what they believe. For instance, someone may believe that homosexuality is a sin, and base this belief on another belief, like the belief that the Bible condemns homosexuality and is infallible. These people have removed themselves from the possibility of rational discussion, and this debate is not really about sexual orientation. It's about their peculiar, ignorant beliefs. Remind these people that they have a weak argument if they can't prove their points to anyone who doesn't already believe as they do, and tease them by asking why you should share their beliefs and not someone else's. Make sure they know that if they expect the rest of society to accept their beliefs, they need to be able to justify them.
6. Don't accept blame for situations which antigay prejudice has created.
A typical antigay argument is that gay people are promiscuous and uninterested in forming lasting relationships. To the extent that this is true—and it is true sometimes—it is largely the result of pervasive prejudice which makes gay relationships difficult or impossible. For antigay activists to complain about gay weaknesses at the same time that they help to create those weaknesses is a real case of blaming the victim. It's like withholding education from a child and then blaming him for being ignorant.
Put the blame for these problems where it belongs and insist on an explanation.
7. Make it a moral issue.
This is a moral issue, but the antigay view of morality is deeply impoverished. Their view is more about how not to live than how to live.
We're talking about a higher morality based on understanding, equality, and fairness, not just a list of arbitrary prohibitions.
8. Turn the weaknesses in antigay arguments against the people who make them.
How would they like it if gay people were the majority and denied heterosexual relationships legal and social recognition? How would they like it if the argument that sexual orientation is "just a choice" were used to strip them of their right to freedom of religion, which is also a choice?
People with antigay attitudes have not thought through the consequences of what they believe. Don't let them get away with it.
9. Don't put up with complaints about how they are persecuted because of their antigay beliefs.
Lately antigay conservatives have begun to complain that they are being accused of bigotry because of their beliefs. This is a sign that they are losing ground, and they don't like it one bit.
The essence of the pro-gay argument is that we deserve the same legal and social treatment as everybody else. The essence of the antigay argument—as with other forms of bigotry—is that we should be denied this equality. It's a difficult case to make. antigay conservatives are beginning to feel that they are being treated unfairly because their beliefs are no longer accepted at face value the way they used to be. There is only one reason for this: more and more people are coming to understand that the antigay argument made no sense in the first place.
10. When they are mean, pity them.
If you are being threatened, get out, defend yourself, or get help. But if your discussion degenerates into abuse—as it so often does when the antigay argument falls to pieces—just comment on how sad it is that they cannot discuss the issue rationally and can only resort to calling you names. In all but the toughest cases, there is fairness in antigay conservatives. Our job is to draw this out of them, help them, and win them over to our side.
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