BACK TO SUPPORT CENTER | HOME | SECTION II: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD COMES OUT!

Dear Parent:

Chances are you've found this page by looking at a browser history, checking a favorites list or happened onto your child while he or she was surfing the web.

If so, you're probably in a state of shock right now. You're feeling anger, fear, resentment, guilt and bewilderment.

Your child is not gay because of anything you did or anything anyone else did. No one recruited your child, because no one could have. That's not how homosexuality arises, regardless of what has been said in the popular press. So please don't feel guilty or resentful. It's not necessary.

Please understand that your child didn't come to my site for sexual minority teens looking for pornography or a good time; That's not what this page is for, and the content reflects that. Rather, this page was written for sexual minority teens in crisis. If your child has book marked this site, it is probably because he or she is hurting and is badly in need of help, or has a friend who is in crisis. If this is the case, your help as a parent is needed in your child's life now more than ever. You'll need to approach your child in a manner of sincerely seeking to help rather than being angry or confrontational.

I understand your fear and your anger, and so I've written an entire section for you CLICK THIS. Please read it! I've received a great deal of help in writing it from parents who have been through what you're going through right now. It will help you understand your child better than you ever have imagined you could. It will answer a lot of questions you've had about your child that never made sense until now. What you'll discover is that the crisis you face at the moment is actually a great opportunity for you.

Also, there's a support group for parents like you, and its run by parents just like you. They have many hundreds of local chapters all over the world and there's almost certainly one convenient to where you live. I strongly urge you to contact them and attend a local meeting. There are parents there who have been through what you're going through now, and can help you out in ways you can't imagine. It will be more than well worth your time; you'll make many great new friends and it may even save your family.

P.S. If you wish to write to me, I'd more than welcome the opportunity to hear from you. I've communicated with hundreds of parents like you over the years, and I've always enjoyed doing so, whatever their issue or point of view. You can write to me at 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I wish you all the best.

SECTION I - My Child is GAY! Now What Do I Do?

 What is happening to me? And to my Child | Why did my child have to tell me | Is it my fault? | Who recruited my kid? | What about the law? | Should we tell the family? What about the neighbors? | But I want some objective information! | But the bible says this is a terrible sin! | But isn't homosexuality an unnatural perversion? | What on earth is going on in my child's mind? | Can my child be cured of homosexuality? | My child couldn't possibly be gay. He doesn't fit the image! | Does this mean my child is going to be wildly flamboyant, offending everyone I know? | This is awful! It means my kid's going to live a lonely, miserable life! | But I'll never have any grandchildren! | I'm desperate to talk to somebody! | What about AIDS? | Special help for the transgendered | Are there some books I can read?

There are some definite stages to the process you have embarked upon, whether willingly or not. They involve learning and growing. Sometimes it will be painful, sometimes joyful. What you get out of it depends on what you're willing to put into it, and how open you can hold your mind.

Some parents hold their prejudices more dearly than their children and actually reject their children outright, and simply disown them and throw them out on the street. You probably haven't done that, or you wouldn't be reading this. Right there, that puts you statistically ahead of fully one fourth of parents of gay children.

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As a parent, you doubtlessly value honesty in your child a great deal. It is a mark of his or her character. And the fact that your child has entrusted you with this information is an indication that your efforts in teaching him or her honesty and integrity have paid off.

While this is undeniably a great burden for you, it is also an opportunity. The opportunity lies in the fact that you now know your child better than you ever did, and so this situation affords you the opportunity to get closer to your child than you have ever been. If you can be honest with your child about your own feelings, and how you love him or her in spite of this revelation, you can use this situation to draw closer to your child and become more important to him or her than you have ever been. Isn't this what you want as a parent?

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Don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. Chances are you're a wonderful parent, and your gay child is going to be a wonderful adult like yourself. Your gay or transgendered child isn't that way because of anything you did, nor anything anyone else did, for that matter.

As science learns more about the origins of homosexuality and transgenderism, it is becoming increasingly clear that these orientations have their origins very early in life. Most gay men and a large number of lesbians will tell you that they knew early in life -- in some cases, awareness of being "different" are among the earliest memories. Some evidence even indicates prenatal influences, even genetic patterns are involved.

The old claim by psychologists that homosexuality indicates a weak father and a domineering mother have long since been disproven by study after study. The only psychologists that still maintain such positions are those who have a hidden agenda -- usually a religious agenda, or a deeply homophobic attitude. Objective science has long since abandoned the idea that parenting styles has any significant influence on homosexual or transgendered orientations.

The most important emotional contribution any parent can make to their childrens' lives is to love them. Like most parents, you've done that, and continue to do so, or you wouldn't be here reading this. And now that you know about your child's orientation, they need your love and support more than ever. That's what this web page is all about -- helping you love your child and giving him or her the support he or she needs.

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That doesn't mean they are benign. They are often used as an excuse to discriminate. Lesbians and particularly gay men are often told things like, "We don't rent property to unconvicted felons!" Such a declaration can be rather hurting to a young couple looking for an apartment. The same excuse is used to deny employment, service in restaurants, rooms in motels, etc. So these laws are used for evil purposes, even if they aren't enforced. This is why the bigots stubbornly oppose the repeal of these laws, even though they know they aren't being used to put gay people in jail.

As a parent, you should know if anyone does, that your child is fundamentally the good person you raised him or her to be. He or she does not deserve such treatment. For this reason, it is your responsiblilty to your child to work for the repeal of such laws, and see to it that this kind of discrimination is ended.

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This is often difficult for a parent to realize, but it can often be extremely difficult for a child to tell someone he or she has known most or all of his or her life about such matters, when the very real chance exists that the person being told will reject him or her and refuse any further contact.

Another consideration is the fact that the child may have more experience in dealing with the issue of prejudice and discrimination than you may realize. He or she may have been out to trusted friends for years before you were told. And in so doing, your child may have learned far more about how to handle this kind of revelation than you may suspect.

You cannot make your child be honest, particularly when the consequences can be as devastating as outright rejection. Your child will grow far stronger morally if he or she does this on his or her own, or you make the revelation with his or her permission, than if you simply tell others without asking.

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The American Psychiatric Association, the American Medical Association and numerous other professional medical and mental health groups have all issued statements to the effect that homosexuality is a normal human variation, and should not be stigmatized or discriminated against. Here's the statement of the American Psychiatric Association.

For those looking for scientific information...

The premier book on the subject is probably "The Science of Desire: The Search for the Gay Gene and the Biology of Behavior" by Dean Hamer and Peter Copeland. It discusses in great detail not only their own research, but that of others, and discusses both the strengths and weaknesses of that research.

Another book is "Evidence for a Biological Influence in Male Homosexuality," by Simon LeVay and Dean H. Hamer. It discusses two pieces of evidence, a structure within the human brain and a genetic link, which point to a biological component for male homosexuality.

There are many more books which touch on this subject, some of which are listed in the bibliography section of this web page.

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The whole tone of the bible on the subject of homosexuality has been misconstrued. The ancients weren't anywhere near as concerned about it as modern interpreters imagine. This link will give you an overview of what the ancient writers of scripture really had in mind.

About Sodom and Gommorah...

An excellent book on this whole topic is "What The Bible Really Says About Homosexuality", by Daniel A. Helminiak, PhD. (ordering information in the bibliography section)

Check the bibliography for others, and if you're really interested, check the bibliography on the bible and homosexuality.

Gay people in the bible

The story of David and Johnathan in the book of I Samuel is also a beautiful gay love story (I Samuel 19:1 through 23:29). In it, each shows the committment and sacrifice for each other that every gay couple has experienced and can instantly recognize.

Even Jesus was unquestionably aware of homosexuality, and yet there is no record that he ever condemned it. In at least one instance, he praised the faith of a gay man! In the original Greek version of the beautiful story of Jesus healing the centurion's servant (Matthew 8:5-13, Luke 7:2-10), the words used to describe the centurion's companion isn't "servant" at all. They translate accurately as "beloved boy," a phrase that clearly connotes the common practice at the time of older gay men or gay men in positions of authority keeping younger men as their lovers and partners.

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Why should love between two consenting persons be considered wrong?

Simply being gay does not mean there is an overwhelming drive to have sex as often as possible, nor is there any drive to have sex with children or with the unwilling. Such notions come from another age, when nothing was known about homosexuality other than rumor and stereotypes. Yet it is surprising how often those notions are still presented as fact.

A few years ago, the American Psychological Association undertook a study to find out just how common pedophilia is among gay men. The results of the study indicated that it was actually less common among gay men than among hetersexual men matched for age and background. The result was so startling that they redesigned the study and did it again -- with the same result! So it's true! Gay men are not any more likely to be pedophiles than are heterosexual men!

Homosexuality is quite natural, too. It is cross-cultural, meaning that it appears with about the same frequency in all cultures. How those cultures handle it, of course varies substantially. Many Native American cultures celebrated it -- and considered it a great spiritual gift, even making great spiritual leaders of their gay men. Even today, there are many cultures around the world where it is considered quite normal and natural.

Our response to homosexuality and transgenderism in this culture is the result simply of cultural influences. Many other cultures, greatly admired by our own (such as the ancient Greeks for example), were highly supportive of their gay, lesbian and transgendered members. Our own discrimination against the homosexuals in our midst says more about us than about others!

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If your child came out voluntarily, your child had a lot to consider before coming out to you. If you'd like to gain some insight into what your child was considering, read What You Should Know Before You Come Out To Your Parents, a brochure written by the parents of gay children who have already been where you are now.

A book has been written that has been written specifically to help you understand what has been going on in your child's mind. "Homosexuality: The Secret a Child Dare Not Tell" by Mary Ann Cantwell (San Rafael, CA: Rafael Press, 1996) tells the story of her own son's coming out to her, her realization of the pain he had suffered, and her study of the pain and fear that children suffer trying to keep their homosexuality a secret. It is important for you to understand how painful this has been for your child, and how difficult it has been to keep this secret.

Even now, now that your child has come out to you, your child is justifiably frightened about how you will react in the long run. Your child is no doubt aware that approximately one in four teens in the United States who come out to their parents end up dispossessed and living on the streets, surviving usually by selling drugs or their bodies. A large percentage of these young people don't survive long enough to register to vote. If your child is still a teen, he or she doubtless has at least some fear of this happening.

It is vitally important that you assure your child that he/she will not be disowned or dispossessed by you, because your child is more important to you than your fears or prejudices could ever be. Make this clear -- and give him or her a hug! Let them know you still love him or her as much as ever!

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The American Psychiatric Association has looked into the issue of so-called "reparative therapy" and "conversion therapy." The result was their statement on homosexuality. Though carefully worded to avoid controversy, it makes no bones about the fact that such therapies have not been shown to be particularly effective, and can actually be harmful. The draft statement, stubbornly opposed and eventually defeated in convention by a small but very vocal minority of fundamentalist Christian psychiatrists, is much more strongly worded.

Because homosexuality is such a deeply ingrained, even biological aspect of your child's being and identity as a human, no one, no matter how sincere, can change it. It's like trying to change hair color or handedness.

Scientists who have studied this issue say that claims of a "cure" don't stand up to scruitiny. The few studies claiming success have been shown to be fatally flawed. Usually the sampling of "cured" homosexuals is flawed or those claiming a "cure" really aren't "cured" when questioned closely.

There are a number of Christian groups around, most of them associated with particular sects, who claim to be able to "cure" homosexuality. What they really succeed in doing is to merely repress it. Repressing sexuality usually makes it come out in another form. Witness the problems the Catholic church is having with pedophilia among its priests. So attempting to repress your child's sexual orientation in this way is only asking for trouble later on.

There are a number of therapists, mostly psychiatrists, who claim to be able to "cure" homosexuality. Again, the studies they point to invariably turn out to be fatally flawed. Steer well clear of any therapist who makes such a claim. The problems that can be created by attempts to cure homosexuality can last a lifetime, and can be scarring, even debilitating, as this letter on conversion therapy by a psychiatrist to his professional association makes clear. It describes his experience in dealing with reparative therapies, and the results of such misguided attempts to change a basic behavior.

The reason I use quotes in talking about a "cure" is that it implies a disease state. I, for one (and I think the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association will all back me up on this) feel it is not a disease. It is merely another variation in the diversity of humanity that makes us all so unique.

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What a tragedy! Their families never know them, their co-workers and colleages never really get to know who they are. Friendships are based on a lie. Trust and acceptance are a function of deceit.

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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, known as PFLAG, is an organization that was put together by parents who have been through what you are going through, for the purpose of supporting parents and family members in just your situation. Here is a list of local PFLAG chapters numbering nearly 400 at last count, so there's probably one near you.

If there isn't (or even if there is), consider joining PFLAG's unofficial "virtual chapter" here on the Internet.

There's no substitute for talking things over with a parent whose been there before you. PFLAG will go a long way towards easing your fears and addressing your concerns. Give it a try!

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First, it's really helpful to understand what being transgendered means. If you're a typical parent, you probably have lots of questions about your transgendered child you haven't any idea how to go about getting answered. Well, you're in luck! Here's an FAQ (frequently asked questions) list developed just for the parents of the transgendered by some PFLAG parents who've been where you are.

The kind folks at PFLAG have put together a special place on the web just for the transgendered. It has some really helpful stuff, and it's evolving all the time, so check it often.

Here is a great page of resources and book reviews just for the transgendered. It might help you to understand your child's mindset a bit better

For resources outside the U.S., an especially helpful directory is the IFGE International Transgender Resource Directory. It has tons of resources, especially European.

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Last Updated: Saturday, June 24, 2001
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